I've run thousands of 1:1s over fifteen years of engineering management. The first few hundred were terrible. Not because I didn't care — I cared a lot — but because I had no system. I'd show up, ask "how's it going?", get a polite non-answer, talk about whatever was top of mind, and leave with a vague sense that I should be doing this differently.
It took me years to develop a framework that actually works. Not a rigid script — engineers can smell a script from a mile away and they hate it. A framework. Flexible enough to follow the conversation, structured enough that nothing falls through the cracks.
Here's the exact system I use now, and what I'm building into emkit.
The Prep (5 Minutes Before)
The single biggest improvement to my 1:1s was spending five minutes preparing. Not thirty minutes. Not an hour. Five minutes of looking at the right information:
1. Review last session's notes and action items. This is non-negotiable. Nothing kills trust faster than asking someone about something they already told you, or forgetting that you promised to do something. Before every 1:1, I check: what did we talk about last time? What action items did each of us take? Did I follow through on mine?
2. Check the pulse. What's this person's recent mood been like? If you've been tracking it (more on that below), look at the trend. If not, think about what you've observed: energy in meetings, Slack tone, PR activity. Any changes?
3. Career context. Where is this person in their career plan? What skills are they working on? This doesn't come up every session, but having it in the back of your mind changes how you listen.
4. One thing I want to ask about. Not a list of ten things. One specific thing I'm curious about or want their perspective on. Maybe it's a project decision, maybe it's how they felt about a recent incident, maybe it's a heads-up about an org change coming.
I'm building emkit to surface all of this automatically — a single "prep view" before each 1:1 that shows you exactly what you need. But even if you're using a Google Doc, spending five minutes reviewing before the meeting transforms the quality of the conversation.
The Template
Here's the loose structure I follow. It's not a checklist I go through mechanically — it's a mental model for how the conversation should flow:
Opening: How Are You? (5 min)
Not "how's it going?" — that gets a reflexive "fine." Instead, I ask something specific:
- "What's been on your mind this week?"
- "How are you feeling about [specific project/situation]?"
- "On a scale of 1-5, how's your energy level right now?"
The energy/mood question might sound awkward, but it works. Engineers appreciate directness. And over time, tracking this creates an incredibly valuable signal. If someone goes from consistent 4s to 2s over three weeks, that's a conversation you need to have — and you might not notice the pattern without the data.
Their Agenda (15 min)
This is their meeting, not mine. I always ask: "What do you want to talk about today?" and I let them go first. Common topics:
- Technical challenges or decisions they're wrestling with
- Frustrations with process, tooling, or cross-team dependencies
- Career questions
- Feedback on something (a meeting, a decision, a team dynamic)
- Sometimes just venting — and that's fine
My job during this section is to listen. Not to solve. The biggest mistake I made early in my career was treating every 1:1 problem as something I needed to fix. Sometimes people just need to be heard. Sometimes they need to think out loud. I try to ask "what would be most helpful — do you want me to help brainstorm, or do you just want me to listen?" It sounds cheesy, but it works.
My Agenda (5 min)
Now it's my turn. I keep this short and high-signal:
- Follow up on action items from last time
- Share context they need (upcoming changes, leadership decisions, things I've heard)
- Ask about that one specific thing from my prep
- Give feedback — both positive and constructive
On feedback: I try to give at least one piece of genuine positive feedback every session. Not "great job" — specific, actionable recognition. "The way you broke down the migration into phases and communicated the timeline to the platform team was exactly right. That's the kind of technical leadership I want to see more of." People are starved for specific recognition.
Closing: Action Items (5 min)
Every 1:1 ends with explicit action items. "So to recap: you're going to look into the caching options and share a proposal by Thursday. I'm going to talk to the platform team about the API timeline and get back to you by Monday."
Write them down. Both of you should be able to see them. And here's the critical part: check them at the start of the next 1:1. The follow-through is what builds trust. If you consistently do what you say you'll do, your team will trust you. If you don't, no amount of good 1:1 technique will save you.
Mood Tracking: The Secret Weapon
I started tracking mood in 1:1s almost by accident. I'd jot down a quick note — "seemed energized today" or "frustrated about the deploy process" — and after a few months I noticed patterns.
Now I do it intentionally. At the end of each 1:1, I note:
- Mood (1-5 scale, just my impression)
- Key topic (the thing they really cared about)
- Energy direction (up from last time, down, or stable)
Over time, this data is gold. It helps me spot burnout early, understand what energizes and drains each person, and have better conversations. "Hey, I've noticed you've seemed a bit less energized the last few weeks — what's going on?" is a much better opener when you have data backing it up.
Cadence: Weekly or Biweekly?
My rule: weekly for the first three months with a new report, biweekly after that if things are stable. But "biweekly" doesn't mean "less important." It means each session needs to be higher quality because you have less frequent touchpoints.
Some engineers prefer weekly even after three months, and that's fine. Some prefer biweekly from the start. Ask them. The cadence should serve the relationship, not the other way around.
What I never do: cancel a 1:1 without rescheduling. Canceling tells someone their time with you isn't important. Rescheduling within the same week. No exceptions.
The Follow-Through System
The framework above is useless without follow-through. Here's what makes it work:
- Action items are tracked visibly. Not buried in a doc. Each person has a running list of open action items, and we review them every session.
- I do my action items first. If I promised to talk to someone, I do it before the next 1:1. My credibility as a manager depends on this.
- Quarterly check-in on the framework itself. Every three months, I ask each report: "How are our 1:1s going? What would make them more useful for you?" The framework should evolve based on their feedback.
- Connect 1:1 themes to performance conversations. If someone has been talking about wanting more architecture work in their 1:1s, that should show up in their goals and performance review. The 1:1 is where you learn what matters to people — the performance system is where you act on it.
What emkit Does Differently
Everything I described above is doable with Google Docs and discipline. But emkit automates the tedious parts — the prep view, the mood tracking over time, the action item follow-through, the connection between 1:1 themes and performance reviews — so you can focus on the human part: actually listening to your people.
Because at the end of the day, the framework isn't the point. The relationship is the point. The framework just makes sure you don't drop the ball on the operational stuff so you can be fully present for the conversation that matters.